There are a lot of things in life that I don't understand. We don't understand. We aren't supposed to as humans, but we want to. We try to understand everything. We think that it is our responsibility to figure all of life's questions out for ourselves. We spend so much of our time and energy just trying to understand why things happen the way they do.
A lot of things have happened in my life in the past year that I don't understand. I lost sight of the person that I was. I want to be that girl again. I want to go back to how I was, but the truth is I can't. I can't erase what has happened and I can't take back things I've done. If I sit and let myself go to that dark place in my mind I have so much regret and so much guilt. So, I choose to just try to forget and do things better TODAY. All we really have to worry about is today anyway. No one knows if we will wake up tomorrow so why dwell on that? We can't live for yesterday because yesterday is gone and it won't be coming back. All we have is today. In a way that is a comforting thought to me. Makes me feel a little less stressed and a little less guilty. If all I have to worry about is today then I must be doing ok. If all I have to worry about is today then I can handle that.
As a christian we are taught to die daily to our own will and live solely for the will of our Father and what Hw wants for our lives. Every time I pray I finish with, "God, please help me to be more submissive to your will today."
I often pray those words but I don't know that I'm really applying them to my life. Sometimes I don't know if I'm truly listening to God's will for my life. I feel like I don't know how. I always hear people's stories about having a big epiphany when God calls them to do something. I don't feel like I've had that in my life. I mean I have done things in my life that were only possible through God, but I don't feel like anything has been directly brought into my life by God. Obviously my home, my family, friends and those things are brought by God and everything in my life is a product of God, but I feel like I'm not letting myself be completely submitted to His will. I have flaws. I hold back. I doubt. I worry. I struggle. I feel lost. I wander. I mess up. I am envious. I am self-conscious. I sin. I do all these things because I'm human.
But I have faith and contentment because I know that my Father forgives. He loves unconditionally. He loves when we turn away from Him. He loves when we mess up. He loves when we follow our own will. He doesn't give up. He doesn't lose faith in us.
